UNDER SURVEILANCE

Do I look like I have ulterior motives?  A sinister grin?  Conniving gang member?  A terrorist, perhaps?

I'm ALMOST used to the photo shoot at the airport security line.  You know the one where you're told to stand with legs apart and hands over your head so they can snap a picture.  It's a magic camera that can see through your clothes. Yes, that's pleasant! (Where DO those photos go anyway?)

Then there's always a TSA agent that needs to actually feel THROUGH your clothes.  The last time my picture was taken there I was told that I had three areas of concern on my body.  My new pants had zippers at the ankles and I was wearing my favorite locket.  DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!
A pat down soon alleviated all fears! At least I didn't have to take anything off. That would have caused instant blindness to everyone in that line!

One time I was accused of carrying a live GRENADE in my purse!  Yes!!  It turned out to be a small coin purse full of change. The x-ray machine had identified it as a weapon.  Lesson learned, don't ever carry change in your purse.  I had to remove it myself as guards stood by, ready to "hit the dirt" I guess!

BUT, this latest experience beats all!

We were in Florida at a swanky hotel.  I'd checked out early, our luggage was in the hotel holding room. I was waiting for Honeybuns to return from a meeting so we could then drive to the airport for our flight home.

Check-out time: NOON.   Departure time from the hotel...ONE!

I had an hour to kill, pardon THAT bad choice of words!

Part of the lobby of the hotel was a beautiful courtyard complete with concrete statues of women with water pouring from vases and several concrete elephants standing IN a pool spouting water as well.  Surrounding the pool were several small tables and chair for the guests to enjoy.  I decided that would be a great place to wait.  I made myself comfortable and proceeded to e-mail, FB, tweet and all that other stuff we do with i phones these days.  It was a lovely setting, the sun was shining and the flowers were glorious. I was sure the wait would be pleasant.

About 15 minutes into my wait a HUGE muscular guy with wires sticking in and out of his ears marched past me and sat down at the table nearby, FACING me.  He looked me over good and passed his time trying to look inconspicuous.  I thought he was like me, just waiting for someone to join him.  No one ever did. He had no book, no phone, no newspaper....all he had was muscles!

A while later a hotel employee approached me and gave me a beautiful pink flowered lei, asking, "do you have any questions, mam?"   NO, I explained that I was waiting for my husband to return from a meeting.  He then approached the big burly man with the wires in his ears and they had a whispered conversation, about ME, I'm sure!!! I was VERY uncomfortable, feeling almost violated!

The security guard continued to stare at me and his feet for another 20 minutes and at last approached me with enough noise and bravado to cause me to look up from my phone so he could get a real good look at my face.  I'm sure I had that "deer in the headlights" look.  He walked right by, talking to his wrist.

WOW! I was so sorry to disappoint these fellows.  I really was just a squatty grandmother, waiting for grandpa to arrive. Did they think I was going to harm their elephants??  Did my phone threaten them?? What DID they think I was going to do? What harm am I capable of doing? Do I really look like a home-grown terrorist?

Weren't all those tables and chairs placed there FOR guests to sit and wait and enjoy?

Finally, Honeybuns arrived, we gathered our luggage and got out of there.  I'm sure the hotel staff was relieved.  Their "granny" crisis was over, no lock-down, no bullets, no explosions, no arrest, no take-down!

We're just a little bit paranoid, don't you think?